if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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