ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
