Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
