Got a toothbrush?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I want is dick and wine.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
