so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
