proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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