How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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