One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
