I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
