guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm too high and old for this...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
