hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
