so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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