Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
