In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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