there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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