Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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