If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
