i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my sisters under your porch take her home
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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