I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
