I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
