The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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