When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
