He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
