Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
