I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
