I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
