no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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