watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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