i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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