At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
