He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
