apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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