sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She bit a glass in half.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
