can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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