Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
A+ Viking dick
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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