So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
