Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
