just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
