She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I believe in your delicious
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
