It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
