@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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