both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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