He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
In America we eat man semen.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
