Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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