I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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