My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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