So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
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Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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