so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
