Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
