last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
