I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
