I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
