was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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