Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
