I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just forgot I was standing up.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
