i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
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Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
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I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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