Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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