I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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