I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I believe in your delicious
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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