I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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