My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
